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The Stoners Guide to Dealing with Paranoia

A must read for ANY stoner!!

Fist a little introduction to who I am. I am the most Paranoid person you know. But at looking at me you would never know it. I am cool and level headed, the whole of my being projects confidence. I am not better or superior to any of you. I just had different circumstances in my life than most of you.

I own several businesses and travel more time a year than I live in the USA. I am comfortable in any environment or situation. If hell is breaking out all around you...I am the one you want on your team.

I cant tell you of all that I have seen and done but all I ask you to do is read this with an open mind and ask yourself...Does this make sense? Is this logical? Do I feel based on this information that it can work for me? Only you can answer these questions.

When I say I am a Professional Paranoid I am not bragging but simply stating the facts. Most people would not want to know what I know or see what I have seen. But the beauty of it is what I know can help you when you are high as hell or even in regular life.

Okay first concept:

Paranoia is total awareness!

How is that for a thought? Paranoia is being totally aware of the dangers of a situation. It is looking at the root of your fear. By examining your fears you can overcome them. You can control any stoned fear you have. Identify the problem and that look at it.

Stoned out in public.

Lots of stoners have this problem.

First: Stoners often have red eyes. Eye drops will solve this problem.

Second: Stoners can have weed breath- breath mints gum or will solve this.

Third: Stoners smell like weed. There are many body sprays, perfumes or colognes that can cover this. Wash your hands completely before you go outside to the world. That roach makes your hands smell.

Fourth: Stoners have a look. Do not play the part. Shirts with pot leaves when you are stoned is like having the words "Come fuck with me Pig!" on them. If you look like a gangsta the world will treat you like one. In public look like a "nice young person", not a thug.

Fifth: Stoners have a talk. Save you "Like wow! Dude, I am blazed" talk for when you are with your buds at a safe indoor environment. In public speak at a normal pace.

Sixth: Stoners avoid eye contact when they are talking to people who are not stoned. If you always look nervously away when you talk to others they begin to know you are hiding something. Look in their eyes then glance at their nose and then back at their eyes.

Seventh: Stoners often carry weed in public when they have no need to. If you don't have it on you...they cant bust you for carrying weed.

Eighth: stoners have a walk and body language.. Walk around straight with your head held high. Slumping and looking down sends a message. You do not want to send that message. Have the confidence of the person who owns the mall/ business or just pretend that you do. So make all your actions cautious and deliberate. Avoid making fast gestures. Make your movements with purpose.

Ninth: stoners think that the world cares they are stoned. Bullshit! Most of the world is so busy struggling to make ends meet, they hardly know or care about you. They have their own life to think about. You are not a big factor in their life.

Tenth: stoners sometimes hang with and smoke with some real dumb-fucks. You are judged by the company you keep. If the people you smoke with are sketchy you pick up that energy. You can get busted because of the stupid actions of people around you. Let the dumb fucks be dumb fucks somewhere else and not around you.

Is it any wounder stoners are paranoid? We have been force fed incorrect proiganda about Marijuana all of our lives. Media, school teachers. parents and more rattle off the same incorrect propaganda that they were told. It is on TV so it must be true, right? Wrong!

The fact is people buy into the things they have been told over and over for years. Does anyone actually check what they are being told? No, they are to busy trying to make a life for themselves.

If you actually check you will find the vast majority of stuff you have been told about weed is bullshit!

The facts are no one has died from smoking marijuana. Okay, I suppose there have been dumb fucks that have choked to death trying to swallow a half ounce after seeing the cop car turn its lights on for a traffic stop. But regular people do not die from smoking to much weed.

Also some of the statistics are not accurate about car accidents. The vast majority of car accidents that have marijuana statistics on them usually involved significant amounts of alcohol. Do they tell you this? No they don't.

Do they tell you that millions of dumb fucks die in accidents in which weed was not involved in any way? No.

Do they tell you it is major pharmaceutical companies that do not want weed legal? No, they don't want something completely natural that has healing properties widely available. You can't patent and control the market for a plant that is easily grown.

They say weed makes you a loser. If you believe you are a loser, you will be one. It is not like the highly successful people who smoke are going to go on television and admit they do something illegal.

What the hell does this have to do with Paranoia?

Everything! When you are doing something that you have been brainwashed to think is bad and evil, of course you are going to be nervous when you smoke it. Paranoia comes naturally when you have been fed lies all of your life. You need to learn the truth. Just because you have been told something all of your life does not make it true.

Take nothing for truth until you have really investigated it. That includes everything I say.

Tips for coping in public.

When walking somewhere in public. As you walk in public in the center of your mind have your destination in mind. Focus on were you are going. Even if you are just walking to the coffee shop or a restroom. By focusing on where you are going you are concentrating of your goal of getting to the place and not all the people in public.

Most people will not give you more than a passing look if your eyes do not meet. Once the eyes meet they have to notice you.

If you cant stop looking into someones eyes when you pass them in public, do what I do...give them a controlled smile and a slight nod of the head and continue on to your destination. Smiling and the quick nod give other people and immediate positive impression of you. Life is tough and a smile brightens someones day.

If you happen onto a conversation or a friend comes up and talks to you remember what I said above

Always have excuses for everything. Prepare your stories before hand.

If you are twitchy and a authority figure asks you about it tell them you drank 3 Red Bulls for breakfast and you are not feeling very well right now. Have excuses for any situation.

If you look tired and have a hard time following or making conversations and you are asked about it, tell them that your girlfriend dumped you and you are really depressed, Then state that you really don't feel like talking about it and you need some time alone.

Get thinking before hand of what you might say if someone asks you why you are acting strange. Preparation is key and easier than trying to come up with an excuse when their question threw you off balance.

Some people are really concerned of what other people think of them. You have read the above information and in no way come across as a stoner. But what if I still care of what others think?

I am going to solve this problem for you right hear and now.


There I just saved you major frustration in your life. Anyone who has accomplished anything major in life has been seen by others as a total nut job. Learn the lives of successful people you will see they all had people who scoffed and laughed at them.


Sometimes paranoia is telling you something...

Trust your feelings, Luke.

The people and the environment are an important factor in being comfortable.

If the people and place are not right, paranoia can kick in.

Are the people grounded and generally positive? If not being around them is going to affect you. Like it or not we pick up energy from the people we are around. Hang with positive stoners.

Is the environment safe? Or are you creating unnecessary risks by smoking there? These things need to be on your mind when you get stoned.

If you are getting others stoned it is your job to create of positive safe environment. If people are self conscious or do not feel safe they will not enjoy their smoking experience. Have DVDs and games ready. If that award silence starts coming on suggest and activity.

"Oh, My god I am freaking out, I am going to die!"...You.

No you are not!

Okay calm down and realize no one has ever died from smoking some weed. If you are standing, sit down. Now you need to breathe in deeply through your nose, hold it for a second then exhale through your mouth. When you breathe out expel all of your breath. Then repeat the process. Do this several times or until you calm yourself.

Now ask yourself what is wrong. When we figure out what we are paranoid about we can do something about it. Once you have identified the fear ask yourself what you can do about it.

Sometimes we are paranoid for good reasons. Leaving the situation might not only help the paranoia it will save your ass.

Are the people freaking you out? Maybe there is a reason. If you have decided it is the people, leave the situation immediately. Make an excuse and go.

If it is the environment that is freaking you out. Leave the environment.

When we breathe in and out to calm down and ask our self what we are freaked about, we will get an answer. When you have a reason figured out as to why you are freaking out, act on it.

If you are in public and start to freak grab anything handy to read and sit down and stare at it. It could be a newspaper, book, brochure, sales paper or receipt. Put it in front of your face and stare at it. To the outside world you are reading a sales paper or trying to figure out if the store clerk overcharged you on your receipt. Nothing unusual there. Then do the breathing and asking yourself what is wrong. Sit there as long as you need.

If at home alone. Do the deep breathing and asking what you are freaking out about. Perhaps spray some air freshener, put your smoke safely away and brush your teeth/ wash hands. I cant tell you how many times this has saved my ass. People can show up unexpectedly.

If you take the immediate steps for what is freaking you out, you can then rest assured that if someone shows up your area is clean of any contraband and you can relax knowing that you are in a safe environment.

Then find a safe activity. Watch a DVD. Reading a book stoned is a great way to distract yourself and many people find reading high an extremely enjoyable experience. Try it! You are focusing on the book so distracting thoughts won't bother you enjoyment. When you read others will not wonder why you are so quiet.

"Oh, My God I am freaking out, I am going to die!"...Someone else.

No they are not!

Remind them no one has ever died from smoking some weed and repeat the steps above with having them breathe deeply and relax and ask them what they are freaking about. Guide them through the steps.


The cops are not your friends when it comes to weed. They want to take your weed away and also your freedom.

An arrest record can follow you around for the rest of your life. It can prevent you from getting jobs. It can get you kicked out of school and lose financial aid for college.

It is serious shit. The cop is your enemy! Sure some cops are cool but the majority are not.

Why are they out to get you and your weed? Because you are such an easy target! Stoners are easy to profile and they usually are not armed with guns. Meth dealers are often armed and will resist with every bit of effort they have.

So how do we avoid the very real fear of cops? Fly below their radar.

When driving in a car I do not recommend smoking weed. However I am a realist and know that a good portion of you will regardless. So with that in mind and understanding the real dangers of getting busted lets continue...

It is best to smoke joints only in a car. It is rather hard to swallow a pipe if you see the flashing lights behind you. A joint will not taste good but you can eat the evidence. I do not even want to think what a Blunt would taste like.

Roll just as many joints as you think you might need for a given outing before you leave. Stash the rest in a safe place.

You only need what you are going to smoke. Worst case scenario you might eat a joint or two if you get pulled over, but you still have your stash safely hidden at home. Plus this also prevents you from spilling weed in your car. (It is a sin to waste good weed)

Always make sure you tags and registration are up to date. Having expired tags is asking for a cop to pull you over.

You need to make sure both headlight work as well as your break lights and blinkers. If they don't work; fix them immediately. Cops also look for things such as the light working above you license plate at night. These little bulbs are usually less than a buck at an auto parts store. They are easy to replace.

What cops do is automatically assume anyone driving outside after 12:00am is up to no good, so they actively look for these little things as reasons to pull people over.

NEVER HAVE "DARE" or "SUPPORT YOUR POLICE" type of bumper stickers on your car! This is a cop magnet! You are not fooling anyone. Cops look for these.

It is better not to have a bumper sticker on your car at all. Bumper stickers draw attention to your car.

Anything can draw a cops attention to your car. Is it dirty outside, is it messy inside? Keep your car clean looking. Is your music blaring and shaking the windows of cars around you?

I am not going to give advice on what to say if you get pulled over. It is your job to learn your rights. The ACLU has a website. Make it your business to go there and learn.

If they do pull you over though, I suggest do some deep breathing and have an excuse as the where you are going and why. Remember always prepare excuses before you leave your house.

When talking to them it is "yes sir" and "no sir". Be polite and answer their questions but do not engage in a lot of conversation. If he gives you a ticket for something sign it and be polite and go on your way. After you are on your way you can talk about how he is an asshole.

Smoking in Public.

This is a high risk proposition. I advise you not to do it. But if you do, do not carry you whole stash with you. There are several stealth methods to smoking in public. It is up to you to do your research on this one. But if you take the risk realize there could be consequences.

Smoking in the Home.

Do not draw attention to yourself.

If the outside of your house or apartment looks like a Bee hive on acid, with people zipping in and out, you have a problem.

Constant traffic gets noticed by your nosy uptight neighbors. They have no life so they make it their business to snoop into yours. Watch out for these bothersome pests. Continuous people coming in and out will piss off you neighbors. They will call your landlord or the cops.

Control the weed smell. There are plenty of ways to eliminate the smell of weed. Learn them and use them.

Loud music is cool and fun to party with. However if you are in an apartment or in a neighborhood with working class people you might need to realize, there are people who do not want you to have fun. These bores will call the cops at a drop of the hat if they think someone is enjoying life. Keep the music at a reasonable level.

Always throw away seeds and stems away in an area that is away from your house. Cops do not need a search warrant to search your trash. Dump your seeds and stems in a trash can in a convenience store or public trash can somewhere.

Trespassing on someones property or being in an area that is closed to the public after dark and blazing at night is not a good idea. This is common sense, but you would be surprised how many people don't think before they smoke.

I can't talk of dealing paranoia here. That is a whole subject unto itself. But if I was dealing (I AM NOT!), I would only deal with friends that I knew well. I would also get a Radio Frequency detector (bug detector) you can buy these for $50 and up on known auction sites. The more expensive the better and learn to use it.

What will usually happen is they will bust one of your friends and offer them a deal. So if your friends behavior and patterns change I would discreetly scan them with the radio frequency detector. Better safe than sorry.

Paranoia is understanding the dangers of a situation. When You understand the dangers you can act!

I did not really deal with personal insecurities here. That is another subject in itself. I can talk or write for hours about building confidence but it is really beyond the scope of paranoia.

But if you are afraid someone is going to jump you when you are stoned, I advise you to take Martial Arts. You will learn how to fight but more importantly it will teach you to walk away form conflict.

Well this rambling is pretty much done. When we understand the risks we can take action and overcome the fear.

If you look at everything rationally and take the steps, there is no reason to be a paranoid stoner. Most of this is common sense.

About the author> I have been involved in more shit
than most people can imagine. I have been a marijuana grower, dealer, smuggler,
trafficker and general all around stoner.

I have never spent a day in jail or prison. My record is clean.

I have been constantly harassed by cops including two separate long DEA

I am no longer involved in selling, growing or distributing drugs. I am just a

I am a businessman and an activist and the worst enemy of the New World Order
and all others who want to take our freedom away.

I am ?? years old (but a sexy ??!!) and I US
citizen, but most of my time is spent in Central and South

I will fight the forces of evil in this world until the day I die.

I am not in a relationship now, but I am looking.(did I mention I am hot?)

Thank you for honoring me by reading this. I hope if nothing else it allows us
to laugh at ourselves as stoners. Admit it we are a hilarious group of people.

There is plenty to be paranoid about in this world. Weed should not be one of
those things.

All of my Love forever.

Unknown American

Copyright © by MJ Guide All Right Reserved.

Published on: 2008-04-22 (36310 reads)

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